Mourning Books and Taking Breaks from Writing

I’ve Been Drawing

When I was very little, I told everyone that I wanted to be an artist when I grew up. My father bought me art books and acrylic paint and blending stubs and thick, creamy paper. I copied the drawings in my books but was never patient enough to get them right. I loved drawing from imagination in pen, with heavy strokes that left no room for error. When I got old enough to realize I had a long way to go before I could create the images I saw, I gave up to focus on reading and writing, skills that had always felt intuitive to me.

This year, when writing no longer felt intuitive, when it felt as far away as those art books had so long ago, I went back to drawing. And it has been so refreshing. I’m learning the fundamentals I never bothered with when I was young (proportions—what a concept!). I can see my progress. I can show the finished product to my friends. I can buy new materials and see the difference they make in my work. Yes, drawing is very different from writing a book.

I know that writers are supposed to ruthlessly throw book after book into the drafting and revising and editing and querying process, hoping that one will land an agent and sell. “It’s a numbers game.” But shelving my last project hurt. I knew it was a good book. I knew that it would have sold in a heartbeat five years ago. I knew it didn’t have a chance in hell of going anywhere.

When I forced myself through the drafting process again last year, I produced an impeccably plotted piece of commercial fiction with no heart. An empty shell. At the time, it felt fitting.

I wrote it because I was supposed to write a book a year. I was supposed to have something ready for all the contests. I was supposed to be relentlessly marching toward all my goals.

But the word count in my document was meaningless. Six months and 60,000 words in, I had the numbers, but I had nothing worthwhile. Hence the drawing.

I’ve Started Freelance Copy Editing

In my day job at a university press, I’ve copy edited a half dozen books under the guidance of a colleague and publishing veteran. It’s hard work, but, like drawing, it’s something that allows me to see my progress. It’s also writing adjacent, which somehow tricks my brain into liking it more.

While I do love editing scholarly monographs, I’ve decided to expand my scope to young adult fiction as well. To this end, I’ve joined Reedsy, an excellent site that lists freelancers who work on books. I like that I’m listed next to other freelancers who can give competing quotes. It makes payment and record keeping easy, and overall it feels refreshingly transparent.

In a certain sense, copy editing is a way for me to bridge the gap between the publishing and the writing part of myself. Taking the experience I’ve gained from publishing and using it to help other writers feels right.

To learn more about my copy editing, take a look at my profile here.

Audrey Is a Pen Name

In order to talk about copy editing, I have to reveal the fact that Audrey is a pen name.

I have a few go-tos when explaining why I have a pen name. For one, there is another writer (albeit a journalist) who lives in the same metropolitan area with my exact. Same. Name. There is another woman with a very similar name who takes risqué photographs. Trying to get anywhere near the top of a Google search with my legal name would be impossible. If you type in Audrey Henley, you get my YouTube channel and personal website on the first or second page.

If you’ve known me for a long time and feel betrayed that you didn’t know my “real” name, I apologize. I’ve felt bad about this for a while, and I think it’s a symptom of not knowing how to fit the two halves of my life together. It feels weird and embarrassing to admit that I like writing and work in publishing but don’t have a book out. My press also focuses on scholarly books, which are about as different from speculative YA as you can get.

I also really like my pen name. I don’t feel like going through the legal paperwork to change my name, but I also don’t mind being called Audrey. I took the name from my grandmother, who died before I was born. Everything I’ve learned about her has fascinated me. She came to the United States from Ireland as a teenager. She painted and taught piano lessons and wrote in a travel journal in neat, looping cursive. She was diagnosed with cancer around the time my grandfather’s schizophrenia became debilitating, and she had the foresight to arrange for her children to live in foster care. At least in my imagination, she was a woman filled to the brim with creativity who still had the fortitude and will to get through the toughest of situations. In other words, she was exactly the kind of person I would like to be.

What About Writing?

I need writing to be something I do for fun and creative expression again. Right now, it frequently triggers downward spirals of depression. I need to make my relationship to a blank Word document healthy again. I’m going to keep writing, but I’m not going to “post for accountability.” I’m not going to set public goals (and probably not private ones either). I’m just going to write when it feels good, man. In the meantime, I will still be here to cheer on my fellow writers. I will be here as a critique partner and a freelance copy editor and a friend.

Thank you for reading this post and for supporting me.